One True Friend

 One True Friend

                       when the ocean was monochrome

“If you have two friends in your lifetime, you're lucky. If you have one good friend, you're more than lucky.”
― S.E. Hinton

     Closing in on a terrible anniversary now and I am still floundering in the void. What makes these days even more dismal is another memory, ten years before when my  spirit was scuttled and sunk to the bottom of a very deep ocean. After ten years I still cannot understand how my mind became so utterly engulfed in anxiety, then depression that became a six month journey through mental health hell. It began with a diagnosis of sleep apnea, then a phobia about CPAP machines, then a complete meltdown of emotional fragility where I could not eat solid food or stand to be alone in my own home. Every day was a torture without anything I could hang onto in the maelstrom that were my thoughts. I lost fifty pounds, organized a plan for suicide and thought I was doomed to be forever filled with angst and despair. It really is impossible to explain how the parts of life that are so dear now seemed to be swallowed in a heavy mist back then. When you lose faith in yourself you assume those around you have done the same. My first response was to just avoid any contact with my closest friends but I had to go to work at the library where every day was just a terrifying labyrinth of facing patrons and trying to keep from screaming in agony while trapped in the workroom. There were all kinds of drugs, types of meditation, breathing tricks, manic exercise, pointless yoga and trips to my brother's house with walks along the gray beach. When you plod along and look out at the magnificent Pacific Ocean with nothing moving in your heart the situation is dire. So, the reason I write these words here is to point out the power of small gestures and large friendships. I could not visit Greg as I was unable to be social and only spent time with my brother and daughter. However, Greg tried to figure out a way and picked me up and took me to Santa Anita where I sat like a lump of sewage for hours in one of the most beatiful settings in Southern California. He never made suggestions and knew I had to find my way out by myself.  After Kaiser failed me miserably I was lucky enough to have another old Lawry's pal Nick who got me  into proper therapy. At that time however, I was losing so much weight it caused profound depression and I was unable to stay alone at night. As hard as it is to believe Stephen asked and I was joined by these same good gentlemen who sat in my front room while I sat mostly mute, then slept the night in a single bed so I could make it through a bad week.  I still remember, Greg sitting on my love seat with a  whiskey in hand not saying a word, just being my friend. I made it though with my brother, my daughter, my shrink and a few dear friends. The first time I felt well enough to leave my house and visit anyone it was to  Greg's house when Kit Kat was visiting which provided a connection to the human race again and a step in the sane direction. 

"For all, all the times you closed your eyes
Allowing me to stumble or to be surprised
By life, with all its twists and turns
I made mistakes, you always knew that I would learn

And when I left, it's you who stayed
You always knew that I'd come home again
In the end
You are my one true friend"

-Bette Midler